with us

here i go all over again...

 keen on the unchanged pattern.

not fulfilled with the conclusion...

 of preceding encounter.

still looking for an ambiguity...

 that will amend it all.

how can you let go...

 when you never had a hold...

 of things to begin with?

was it existent...

 or merely a reverie?

can i embrace nothing?

i am so vacant...

 when you are not near.

can't we rip this curtain in two?!

or am i only fooling myself...

 with stage show?

is this a histrionic display of desperation?!

i question the soundness...

 of something so timid.

is love not bold and brave to prevail?!

maybe the enemy is my own timetables?

thinking i should have everything just so?

maybe the bravery comes in the waiting!

a willingness to just see where it goes.

then...

as if i hear a sweet wisper...

a gentle voice...

 that speaks in my ear.

let it be what it is...

 and let it go where it will...

time will share it's wisdom...

 with us.




~csr

yes

some questions...

 we ask…

    simply to hear

     the sound

         of the  words

       in the air…

 and imagine

    the hope... of

       yes



~csr

when i am done

do i actually hunger ...

           for the appreciation?

can that be

     what this is all about…

            or at least

            more than i had

            originally considered? 

perhaps

i never did consider…

after all…       

         it takes something

        of a harbinger

         for me to dive

        that deep

         into introspection.    

still

i cannot help but wonder

      why it feels

       so different now.

      what could be

       the problem?...

and so

i question it all…

        the motivation…

         the drama…

         the need…

         and i worry…

what will be left of me…

    when i am done?

~csr

yet again

the old wound

while not evident...

never fully healed.

requiring  barely

a trifling change in weather…

to bring pain…

yet again.


~csr

with you

 i am

fighting for breath

  on tenterhooks

     amid this dearth

lugging the coffer 

   that quarters 

        my heavy heart...

   the tang of stillness...

    like the

  acidic duplicity intensifying

       eating away 

   steadily dissolving my spirit...

  i cry out! r

   from the darkness...

      not to be liberated!

         to be fulfilled...

                to solidify...

            this wraithlike relation

     we share...

  what can pain

   with it's devices

       do to keep me

            from you?

as i understand

    the pain

   of becoming

is paled

       only by the joy

     of being...

              with you.

  

~cs

our breach

my musing of you...

    a view through rose-tinted spectacles 

always,

   in golden and emerald-glow .

the wound from a nameless battle concealed

      and the voices of ten thousand spirits

           echoing inside you.

while ringing of burly dreams

         penetrate your consciousness

               like tunable tinnitus. ..

               a sea of crickets in your ear.

          yet at times…
          if you choose...

               you decide which ones to listen to.

and i feel you now and again

       in my own dreams.

            your breath in my ear, on my neck...

           your parched lips ...

              dampened by soft words spoken

                   in gentle morning whisper...

                   the way restless waves caress dark shores.

hushed lightning sparks across a turbulent sky!

                   as silent longings arc betwixt...
                           our breach  . . .

~csr

 

a tasty dish

mighty general
tso tsung-t'ang lives on today
as a tasty dish!

~csr

a tasty dish

mighty general
tso tsung-t'ang lives on today
as a tasty dish!

~csr

only you and i

in spite of the reason

   for the call

       your problematic struggle

              with your evil twin

it was rather natural

       talking with you

and for a moment in time

        we enjoy

               once more

       the bond we share

not aware of history

       nor expectations

not dissecting

       every word

              each intonation

 i can tell you

       with genuineness

in those inestimable moments

     there was only

              you and i 

~csr

borrowed

SASKIA OZOLS EUBANKS  

i was rich today
had it all for an hour
it was all borrowed

~csr



felt this way

all this time you felt this way
yearning to have me by
living in your garden in spring
making snowmen when the snow came
so close yet so distant from me
how was it sung?
a breathe between us could be a thousand miles
all the contacts of glances and words
desire veiled and intentions obscured
they did not emerge in the course of your words
seasons transform and bells ring
and just when the dream started to lose color
i have the daring to approach you and say
all this time i felt this way

~csr

withered by twilight

we are like blossoms

what brilliance in the first light

withered by twilight

~csr

save us

with the conversation

  spanning transient moments

  to mysterious waterbeds

and

friendly old men

  reaching out

  from unraveled worlds

 i'm  t h i n k i n g ~ …

          i want to be in 'the now'

   though distracted by

      thoughts like

~.. i am running low on cigarettes ..~

i'm always over-stimulated

   by everything around

   taking note of it all

but

your eyes request

   all of my deliberation

   as your voice sings a song

     and

    as quietness wraps around

     i let go of the tavern

       one clang at a time

       until all is mislaid

save us

~csr

these chords

this piece is...

delimited

by the want

of me

in you

confined

in this mode

diminished

by the longing

for you

in me

ebbing

are these strings

suspended

by the returning

of us

in we

revolving

are these chords

~csr

coddling

i benefit nothing

   on behalf of

      your coddling

your fears

   of letting me go

      to grow

i have no need

   of your pity

      patronizing commiseration

         not a hint of it

            relates to me

what would you give,

   surrender,

      honestly?

i see now, it is you

   that needs me

      to need you

yet

 i know firsthand

you benefit nothing

    on behalf of

      my coddling

~csr

transparent

Transparent

what if we lacked our composure
   our skin, our blood and our veins
and people could see what's within
   what's driving us insane?

what if we lacked the weather
   the moon, the sky and the sun
our endless exchange of pleasantries
   while inside we're coming undone?

all laid up
   for an ephemeral moment...
a terse kiss
   on the crook of the mouth...
an embrace...
   vaguely extended too long

what would we look like
if we were transparent?


~csr

the loss of a chance

i took a walk
away from it all
everything on the table
everything on the wall
i went outside to breathe real air
to listen to birds sing without a care
i tried to be still
i tried to be silent
and then i was just there
i sat for a time
someone walked by
they asked if i was comfortable
i said yeah with a questioned tone
i was so unsure of the answer
but i spoke just the same
maybe if i stand between the trees the answers will come
i stand under the leaves still the answers are none
i want to just go on a trip far away
some will protest they'll ask me to stay
when you live for the moment you live all alone
others will fear you and your disregard for order
the way they fear the wind and the sea or a coyote
is there anything that we can truly keep?
we enter with nothing and its the same when we depart
it seems what we have is a few moments in time
there are things that vie for the forefront as hours pass by
there is the flesh and its hunger for food and for touch
the mind with its reasons for thinking so much
a heart wants to love and be loved in return
only the spirit knows what a spirit does yearn
somehow i am all this - im one in the same
an amalgamation of dimensions that war and complain
so forgive me if i seem not so quite laid out straight
when you see me look that way it will be far too late
bring me your flowers and words while im here
it is the loss of a chance that we all have to fear

~csr

the show must go on

has it all lost its zest…
   or have i lost my savor for it?
nothing can satisfy this thirst.
no likeness…

    or flight of the imagination

   will ever do.
all are a shadow…

    of the spirit of you.
my eyes opened again today.
i rose…

  and dressed…

    and shaved.
though i put on more than my clothes.
i put on my façade.
it has shrunk again…. i find.
it feels tighter…

   and my breathing is shallow.
maybe i need a bigger size.
after all… i can't have folks noticing.
remind me again why this is important.
oh yeah!

   the show…

   must go on.

~csr

beautiful depths

 

ephemeral spark

enlightening the shadows

a warming spirit

elegant and lithe

stimulating the senses

a soothing camber

golden-brown gleaming

reflective and discerning

what beautiful depths

~csr

this shadowy place

Photo - Jayne d'Arcy

even in the darkness

the night blooming jasmine

fills the air with it's fragrance

as does my love bloom

from this shadowy place

~csr

through the cracks

chisel-stone surface

yet through your micro-fractures

life springs through the cracks

~csr

to your door

a cogent cerulean sky

the arraign of wind

   a smell of pine and cedar

      harangues my face

         and pulls on my heart

traversing past

   the sleepy water

    on the road to open meadows

      of emerald and gold

outlying silos

   set stoic

     amid crimson barns

and

in steady harmonization 

   of constant flow

     through the countryside

there is magnificence

   to be embraced

      in whichever open bearing

even so

stock-still

  my compass points

    to the overgrown

      and thorned path

         to your door

what comes next

the difference

     a voice can bring

the divergence

   sunlight makes

the certainty

   only eyes can share

and

the contentment

  of knowing

   what comes next

~csr

the rest

a mixolydian

     of sensuality

the dominant chord

   leading to the tonic

      they become one

             an authentic cadence…

  and then

         silence.

  the rest

~csr

A Dream

even i cannot listen

     to myself any longer

pretentious comparisons

unrestrained jingles

i'm finding it all  somewhat heavy

it is all so dreadfully thick to cut through

so far in circumference

       to get around

i'm so worn-out

    desiring  only slumber

         to shut my eyes and drift

consciousness is so muddled now

    perhaps my unconscious

       can sort it all out

even the memory of you

    only makes sense now

          when recollected

              as if it were

            a dream

~csr

a dream

even i cannot listen

     to myself any longer

pretentious comparisons

unrestrained jingles

i'm finding it all  somewhat heavy

it is all so dreadfully thick to cut through

so far in circumference

       to get around

i'm so worn-out

    desiring  only slumber

         to shut my eyes and drift

consciousness is so muddled now

    perhaps my unconscious

       can sort it all out

even the memory of you

    only makes sense now

          when recollected

              as if it were

            a dream

~csr

tomorrow

ignorance is bliss

knowledge is sorrow

joyfully loving

what i'll lose tomorrow

be happy

age

ripened

    seemingly all at once

and yet

life remains

    lingering

not vibrant

 just

  lingering on

death looming

   in the corner

faculties

intact

sharp as a tac

    hearing un-impaired

        words reverberating

from the next room

   careless words

      true and real

    though

   careless none the less

urgency

to have it all

    in it’s place

       it’s proper order

      her order

with labored breathing

she issues guidelines

"each of you

    return to your homes

      forget all that has happened

      in your past

    live your life anew

and

be happy"

~csr

your sin

i can't be

your blessing

and also be

your sin

be still

let it slide

let it go

find a new thing

to occupy the moments

a most excellent something

enriching to the soul

let yourself out

breath the air

let it settle

let it come to rest

it is ok

to feel sad

it is normal

muddy water becomes clear

drinkable once again

be still

~csr

 

enough

with what language

could i possibly remedy?

the understandable wound

i have inflicted

with what melody

could i possibly sing?

that would quiet

your suffering

for upon seeing

i sunk into despair

my stomach twisted

and my heart twinged

the murderous darkness

of my silence

that followed

my carelessness

if only there were

expressions of solace

i could offer you

that could be enough

~csr